Making Amends?

I watched “Girl on the Train”. This is the story of a woman who is an alcoholic. Now I’m not going to tell the story but an important thing, and the reason I’m writing this at all, happened to her. The character has recently gone to an AA meeting and may have learned about the steps including the one that is to make amends. She reaches out to apologize for something she did only to find out that what she had been told happened was not true at all. In effect, she had nothing to apologize for, at least in this case. 

It got me thinking, well more remembering. My brother was an alcoholic. I do not know how many times he “did the steps” of AA and it does not matter. He called me on Wednesday, March 31, 2010. I was driving but had a Bluetooth so there was no problem talking with him. As we talked, he apologized for “causing me trouble”. I loved my brother. I was lucky. My big brother was four years older. Many times, he made my life easier. When we were young, I was allowed to “go to” when he and his friends did things as long as I could keep up. He would then give me a leg up, hold a branch, take my hand for balance walking a log so I could keep up. Of course, they all liked it when I could and did climb the cherry tree. Being light I could reach the succulent Bing Cherries way up at the top and out on the thin branches.

His help did not stop as we grew older. When Glen and I were in a crisis, we rented my brother’s RV, so we had a place to live. Rent simply matched his payments. I loved my brother and knew he loved me. We did things for each other. We were there for each other even if sometimes it was extremely uncomfortable, and I would rather have not been there, but I was. Caused me trouble? Yes, he did but I loved him, and I know there were times I caused difficulties for him.

As we talked that day, Wednesday March 31, 2010 I had to pull over as I had started to cry. I’m glad that we had the chance to talk. I’m glad he had a chance to ask forgiveness and receive my assurance that everything was fine.

Good Friday, April 2, 2010 my brother died. We had no unfinished business.

The Dress

There are lots of commercials as we approach Mother’s Day about gifts for Mom. One in particular – looking at a rack of clothes and letting Mom choose, reminded me of something from when I was in junior high.

I decided one year I was going to make my Mom a dress. I wanted to do it with care and attention to exact fit but as a surprise. I would have to measure a dress I knew fit her well rather than measuring and fitting as I went. I also would have to sew after school but pick up every thread and put everything away before she got home from work. I would still have to do my chores including make dinner or she’d wonder what I was spending my time on that I was not getting done what I was supposed to.

I designed and created the pattern then measured and sewed and cleaned up for many days and was really pleased with what I produced. While everyone was at the breakfast table on Mother’s Day, I hung the dress in the living room. When she entered the room and saw the dress, she exclaimed over it then hugged and thanked….my Dad! I ran to my room in tears.

Daddy came telling me it was so well done she thought he’d purchased it from a fancy shop. I was not sure that helped at the time but when she wore it, she told everybody I not only made it but designed it specifically for her. All was well and my heart was glad!

Build a Wall?

It troubles me that folks are so polarized over the budget and associated stuff that people are suffering. It is the responsibility of our lawmakers to help not hurt the people they serve! THEY are being paid but aren’t getting the job done! But let’s think about the central issue ….. The Wall.

I’m probably naive but it seems to me we are looking at this the wrong way. Those in favor want a wall for border security. They want border security to prevent illegal activity including, but not limited to, keeping illegals from getting benefits. Ok. That is a legitimate issue. They want border security to prevent illegal trafficking. OK. That is a legitimate issue also. Unfortunately it seems like a ridiculous and ineffective way to solve the problem so how about if we consider solutions that might actually work.

I have no issue with wanting funds to help solve these issues. I have an issue with the idea that a wall is going to solve the problem!

Issue – people get fake IDs to use to get benefits
Solution – spend money on equipment and training so fake IDs are recognized thus preventing illegals from getting benefits

Issue – drugs are brought across the border
Solution – Make drugs legal. Keep in mind there was a time when alcohol was illegal and there was a serious enforcement issue. If there was no such thing as an illegal drug the illegal activity associated with them would vanish.

Issue – other illegal items brought across the border
Solution – spend money on the needs of law enforcement to enforce the laws.

Bottom line – spend money to fix the system where it is broken and support those who enforce current laws. There is talk about the wall creating employment but how about if we employee people to solve the issues rather than create a wall that in the end would be ineffective?

Les Miserables

This entry is from Facebook in 2012.

Went to see Les Miserables. First heard the story of Jean Val Jean when I was in fourth grade Jr. Church with Mr. Wilson. Have loved the story ever since. The stage version was super and the movie is fantastic! Only want to see it 4 or 5 more times before I own a copy!

Looking back today got me thinking about Jr. Church….. Mr. Wilson was fantastic! Jr. Church had several formats and rotated between them. Some Sundays we saw a movie based on some biblical story or character. Some Sundays we just sang lots of songs. My favorite was when Mr. Wilson would tell us a book. Now this was not a book report and he did not read the book to us. He would literally ‘tell’ us the book with lots of details and he would act out certain scenes. I will always remember his acting out the scene in Les Miserables when Jean Val Jean returns with the police to the home of the Bishop with the ‘stolen’ silver and is given the candlesticks. He also added information such as discussions about customs and items mentioned that would not make sense to us. sometimes he included interesting demonstrations like how to make fishing nets, form pottery and even dye cloth!

The youngest kids were in 4th grade and the oldest in 6th. The books he told us were not children’s books! They included Les Miserables, The Robe, The Silver Chalice, Ben-Hur, The Big Fisherman, Three Arrows and many, many others. I always looked for the book and read it after he told us the book. These became my favorites and I’ve read them many times. I also came to love and look for other books by the same author. I remember reading Green Light in later years which is by Lloyd C. Douglas who wrote The Robe and The Big Fisherman.

Mr. Wilson told us books with a christian theme but in many cases it was not obvious – Three Arrows is one of these later. Three Arrows was the story of an indian boy who was born with a club foot. Much of the story revolves around the interaction between this boy and the other boys who tease him. He has a dream that he will surpass the others. This aspect of the story is compared with Joseph who became pharaoh. I won’t tell how the story came out! Sometimes the comparison was part of the book but sometimes Mr. Wilson made the comparison.

Sometimes I could not find the book in our family library or in the Seattle Library. I’d then ask and Mr. Wilson would loan me his copy. He saw my love of the books, not just his telling of the story, and would discuss them with me later. This interaction with an adult on a mature basis increased my confidence in myself and further increased my love of books.

After I graduated out of junior church I would sometimes skip my Sunday School class and sit in the back of junior church, especially if he was telling one of my favorite books.

Confuison in old age

This is from December 2014

Mom is feeling better this afternoon. Had a fascinating conversation this morning.
She called -actually called my cell phone! wanting me to come down. This was before Glen and I had had breakfast and we would be going to Social Security after breakfast.
When I arrived-
Mom: Where am I?
Me: (looking around like I’m searching for her) let me see…….oh! There you are! (I reached out and touched her) did you want a longitude and latitude?
Mom grinned as she got the joke about longitude and latitude but continued: no truly….where am I?
Conversation continued….somehow she thought she was living with us in our house in California somewhere. Took some convincing but she got it figured out even though she continued to think she had only been in her current room a short time and could not figure out where Daddy was.

After lunch, after our trip to Social Security I visited with her for awhile and we went to a delightful concert. One of the folks on 2nd floor has grandkids? who play violin and cello. They played a bunch of Christmas stuff and some other things. She felt well enough to want to go but it is obvious she is in pain still.

She never did connect, on this day, that my Dad had been dead for some years and she had lived in her current room for a significant time.

Blessed but….

‘All shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well’ – Julian of Norwich. 

I choose sometimes to add….’even if everything is currently in the toilet’.

Things come in threes? Boy I hope that is ALL!

Balance issues have been WAY worse the last few months. I actually fell about two weeks ago and I have managed to not fall – except over against something – in several years. Oh right….I actually did fall a few months ago but that was tripping over a curb NOT a balance thing…..hmmm actually if my balance were decent I probably would not have fallen then. Well ANYWAY…balance is worse lately. If I look drunk chances are I am not but just dealing with balance issues. I’ve said this for some 12 years now.

I have an infection – dental issue. Some itty, bitty pieces of bone – 6 in all – have come through my gum near a previous extraction. The BIG piece was the size of a seed bead so we are taking tiny pieces. UW Dental does not know for sure if the infection is from the gum issue or a near by tooth that has decay under the crown. Either way this is not going to be any fun.

Lacerated my finger – caught between underside of counter and top of drawer. Hurt so, of course, natural reaction – JERK AWAY! YIKES! Tore a dime size piece of the finger pad.

Now on the other hand I am blessed! That has to sound funny after the litany above but I am!

The finger was injured AFTER the last performance of Silver Sounds for Christmas so I can safely rest. It is healing but is still sensitive to pressure so I can only play my flute for about 10 minutes before I’ve had enough.

I have (or have had) several appointments to see about the balance issues. New neurologist who for the first time in 12 years did not just shrug and basically say live with it. I had an MRI and have appointments scheduled with a vestibular physical therapist. Perhaps something will help. I manage for the most part but it has become impossible to drive in low light without becoming ill. At the same time I have some hope as I actually have appointments and people that are listening!

I have the attention of student at the UW Dental School and his attending is fascinated with just exactly what may be causing the infection. Antibiotics for now and a check back scheduled for the 27th of December. This is a miracle in itself as the Dental School is effectively closed until the new year.

I am also blessed because Walla does not go for turn-in until August 9th! I was originally told November 2019, changed to February 2019 and now FIRM for August 9th. I do need to make some adjustments – I am supposed to go to Woodinville with her for puppy classes once a week. Unfortunately these are in the evening and in a poorly lit area so I can’t get there. I will have to do another set of local classes which I have to pay for. Finding funds for this on top of co-pays for insulin, PT, MRIs, dental issues and who knows what else is causing stress but ….

‘All shall be well…’ I don’t know how…. But I know all shall be well and Life is Good!

Christmas Letter 2018

Dear Friends

Here we are again! I like these catchups.

As usual I use Facebook and my blog a lot so again this year will recap rather than give lots of details.

First – I continue to miss Glen. I am certain that will never change. Life is still good! just different.

Second – Family

  • Jessi, Brandon and the kids (Eion and Emma) no significant changes there except that the kids are really growing!
  • Jenn is still teaching pre-school in Redmond, living in Renton but also working part-time at St. John’s in Kirkland where she is in charge of children’s ministries. Again no changes but she does have a new car through the generosity of a friend and …..  the big news! She is working on her college degree in Early Childhood Education through a program at Bellevue College.

Finally – Me

  • Life has changed as I moved again. I am now in Auburn. I was able to move to a one bedroom rather than a studio. These apartments are operated by the same group as the one in SeaTac so it is much the same but the neighborhood is better although I sometimes wonder. We had police in the parking lot one evening and a few days later animal control.
  • I am still enjoying my new flute. I play most days although just now I’m having trouble as I badly cut my finger. It is time for it to have maintenance.
  • I finished up a bunch of sewing projects recently. My machine is now having routine maintenance and then I have a couple of new things in the planning stages.
  • Prayer group is on hold at the moment as one of the group moved and we’ve had some issues reforming.
  • I have three new ‘jobs’ – I write the monthly blog for Canine Companions for Independence the Puget Sound Chapter, I am president of the assembly for Olympia for Daughters of the King and am the database guru for Come and See … Go and Tell the Cursillo community of the Diocese of Olympia.
  • Singing in two groups: church choir and Silver Sounds
  • Walla has been with me over a year and will go to turn-in in February. She is the joy of my life and I will miss her terribly! but I hope the best for her even though if she ‘fails’ she will come back to me for forever! She is so stinking adorable and goes everywhere with me.
  • I have two jobs: short hours two days, one week of the month as Godly Play Storyteller at St. John’s Pre-school in Kirkland and 5 hours a week as church administrator for St. Columba
  • Swimming and other exercises come after walks and playtime with Walla but do continue
  • I have dropped all activities at Wesley except visiting friends for a variety of reasons
  • A friend at church and I have seasons tickets for the Seattle Symphony again this year and again Jenn and I have seasons tickets for Pacific Northwest Ballet
  • Various activities at St. Columba continue

One new thing starting in January is PT for my balance issues. Some 14 years or so later I still run at a ‘4’ most days with some as ‘off’ as an ‘8’ and an occasional ’10’. I haven’t seen a ‘0’ (No balance issues) in those 14 years. Life has been more ‘troublesome’ recently and can interfere with driving in low light situations such as places were there are no streetlights.

I will post this to and Facebook as some friends only access Facebook or the blog not necessarily both and, of course, my non-internet friends get a hard copy!

Love, Christmas Blessings and hopes for a Joyous New Year!

Becca/Becky/Rebecca DeShaw

Who do we listen to?

Some years ago I wrote a piece in response to the book ‘Jesus Calling’. I won’t repeat that here but will say I was not favoring the book. On the other hand I read every word written by The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston who posts frequently on Facebook and I frequently share what he writes. I have never found anything he has written to be a problem while I found much in ‘Jesus Calling’ to be … troublesome.

Today as I read another post by Bishop Charleston I got to thinking about the title of this item – Who do we listen to? and more importantly who do we trust to give us information that we find uplifting, worthy and to be inspirational. Why does my heart resonate with his writing and not with some others?

I think first there is Authority – Bishop Charleston is exactly that…a Bishop in my church and therefore I grant him authority because The Church has! Another important item is that word ‘resonate’. What he has to say feels right because it matches up with what I feel and believe to be right.

Of course I could be wrong in my opinion in which case I look to see what others I trust register concerning a source. In the case of ‘Jesus Calling’ some I have trusted think the book to be wonderful and even ‘better than the Bible’ according to one person in particular. Sorry but saying that, ‘better than the Bible’, immediately sets my teeth on edge and puts that opinion in the UNTRUSTED category. So what of other sources regarding Bishop Charleston? Well ‘Bishop Charleston is widely recognized as a leading proponent for justice issues and for spiritual renewal in the church in both the United States and Canada.’ according to which is a source I trust! He taught at Episcopal Divinity School (EDS) in Cambridge, MA and also was President and Dean of EDS. Yup – I can get behind that! and I can get behind what he has to say. I learn a lot about myself as I find what he writes to be ‘me’ put into much better words than I could possibly manage!



Neurology Appointment

Had a neurology appointment today. 14, 15, ? however many years later still living with vertigo issues.

We have a plan for further exploration. One issue is it includes physical therapy with a vestibular specialist – NOT likely! If you want a career where there aren’t enough people this is one to explore. Some years ago I was told to do this therapy. After trying to get an initial appointment for THREE months I gave up. This is one of those, IF you can get an initial appointment you can generally get on someone’s schedule for continuing treatment but it is next best thing to impossible to get on a schedule.

I’m noticing a new and troublesome issue…light is necessary! I use my eyes to find a focal point and if there isn’t enough light I can’t find a focal point. Not a serious issue in most environments but I have two places this has been a problem lately:

  • On stage. Watching the director is fine. Watching my music is fine but if I look beyond into the dark theatre I’m lost and “lost” equals falling! Same issues at a movie theatre as I found recently when attending a movie with Jenn.
  • Driving in low light areas. Went to Woodinville for puppy class which is back in a neighborhood with no street lights. I started feeling nauseous and off-balance while driving the car when we were some blocks away. I could not find a focal point in the dark! I had to turn around and go home. Started feeling somewhat better as soon as the light improved and managed to make it home but continued to feel sick for hours.

Onwards….into the “new”? adventure? Who knows what the future will hold?